What About the Boys?

We've been asked by a lot of people questions about what our boys think about fostering, how it will impact on them, etc. It's certainly a question we have given an enormous amount of thought to. When we initially started considering foster care, when they were a lot younger, it was a decision we were making on their behalf. As they are now 12 and 14 it looked a lot different this time around. We spent a lot of time talking to the boys about fostering, over many months. Being two different people they have had two quite different responses.

One of the boys tends to think through a lot of the possible difficulties. He had a lot of concerns that were very valid, but not actually things that he was going to have to deal with. A lot of them were things that we as parents would be responsible for. Helping him to understand his role as distinct to ours was important. Having gone through all those concerns, and after many conversations, he is now feeling a lot better about it.

Our other son tends to live in the moment. So his concerns have been fairly superficial so far. He has been part of a lot of the conversations with his brother, but he hasn't necessarily shared his concerns. We suspect a lot of the bridges we will cross with him will be when we are in the moment. That is ok though.

One of the concerns they have both shared is about sharing a room again. They shared a room for over 6 years, so this isn't something new to them, but they have become used to having their own space. Some people have been concerned about our putting them back in together, particularly in their teens. We don't share this concern in quite the same way. There will be challenges to them sharing, but most of those are to do with self centredness. We think it won't be all bad for them to be challeneged in that way. And we hope to guide them through it so that their relationship with one another is strengthened and not destroyed.

Overall fostering will have a big impact on the boys. We hope that it will be fundamentally a positive one, even if it's not necessarily positive right in the thick of things. There will be sacrifices. We will have less money to spend just on them, and things we like to do as a family will cost more, so will have to be curtailed somewhat. But compare that to the benefit of learning to love other people and learn compassion for those who come from different circumstances to our own. I just can't see it being anything but positive in the long term. I'm trying not to just be romantic about this. I know there will be challenges for us all, and there will be times they may grieve what was, but we both think this will be a good thing for our family.

Added to that, I think both of my boys have a lot to offer other children. They are both pretty strong on compassion, and will make excellent role models. They are gentle and kind. In the abstract Mr live-in-the-moment is concerned about his belongings, but I have seen him be incredibly generous with his belongings in the past. Once he is in relationship I am certain he will thrive with younger siblings. Just today he spent hours playing with a 2 and 4 year old very happily. He is someone who enjoys the company of anyone who wants to do what he wants to do. He's got a huge range of interests. What could possibly go wrong! And my Mr Sensitive is just a beautiful human being. He is responsible and loving and spends a lot of time caring for those younger than him. Today he spent this morning looking after children at an event in our home, and then backed up and went to care for children at another event in the afternoon. At school he is in the process of helping to establish a group for younger children. He has so much to offer others, and I think will shine as an older brother to foster siblings.

That's not to say we're doing this just for them. I am sure that there will be many costs for them both. It will change completely what they are used to, and that is going to take some adjusting for them. My eldest is concerned about having a study space. We have assured him we will make that possible for him. Fostering is important to us, and we want it to be important for them too. I want my kids to know that we aren't people who just walk past a problem in society. I want them to be people who don't just walk past people in need. This will always cost in some way. But sometimes you just need to not count the cost and get on with loving.